Saturday, April 30, 2011

Good Guys Professional Development Conference and Awards Banquet: After Action Report

From: Phil Hardtly, Chief, Janitorial Maint. Staff, Convention Center

To: Management and Scheduling Dept.

Re: Concerns related after Friday's “Good Guy” conference

Please be advised of the following discoveries after yesterday's conference entitled “Good Guy Professional Development Conference and Awards Banquet”.

Convention Hall:
  • Several significant modifications were discovered to have been made to the wiring and communications systems
    • Wiretaps and listening devices had been placed in many locations throughout the room.
    • Some were not so well hidden, three even had names inscribed on them, “Clouseau”, “J. Bond”, and “English, Johnny English”.
    • Some were better hidden, nearly impossible to find but given the nature of the types of conventions we host, my staff regularly sweeps the area for such devices.
    • As you are aware I am sure, The Loosley Amalgamated Corps of Evil Henchmen will be here next week and it could have had a seriously negative impact had we not discovered these bugs
  • Many of the tables had a large number of gouges and knife marks on their surface. One of the maintenance staff had earlier witnessed several parties in attendance playing “that knife between the fingers game from the movie Alien”. The tables will have to be sanded and refinished to make them servicable without table clothes in the future.

  • Burn marks on the ceiling, two door frames, and one light fixture from “Super Power Demonstrations” seminar
    • note – Alcohol and Super Powers do not mix

Coat Check / Weapon Check Room

All attendees were required to turn in any weapons, concealed or otherwise, at the coat check room upon entry. This was a good plan and to add to the general security of the conference and attendees I had ordered an additional very large and bio contained safe be placed in the room to ensure both adequate space and containment in case of a mishap. The feared mishaps came in the form of two items as delineated below
  • Mr.  Johnny English of MI7 checked in an ink pen that he claimed was a small thermonuclear device capable of deconstructing at a molecular level any biological  system it came in contact with one minute after being armed.  We believe either Mr. English, while showing it off to the check clerk, unknowingly armed the pen when he handed it to the young man or the young clerk fiddled with it himself not believing the agent's claims. After English left and the clerk went to lock up the pen witnesses claimed to have heard a puppy-like whimpering sound followed by a sharp sizzle. When the clerk did not return from the closet one of his co-workers entered the room and found nothing but an oily puddle on the carpet. This was severely distressful for our staff, as we were already short handed for the event.

  • Ms. Ellen Ripley dropped off what she claimed was an unloaded alien weapon she had brought for presentation/display purposes. Apparently it was not unloaded. An alien spawn housed in a hidden capsule inside escaped then used its acid saliva to burn through the safe and the floor beneath and cause no small amount of concern in the homeschool conference going on one floor down. Luckily one of the homeschool kids captured it in a Mason jar. With his mother's permission and the assistance of a couple other fifth grade homeschool kids he proceeded to do a series advanced biological, cellular and genetic experiments on the creature in hopes of attaining early college credit. The students were later seen to have what appeared to be Alien-like dogs on leashes as they left the building
    • Related side note, we need to replace the sink, several water pitchers and the microwave in the downstairs convention room.

  • Due to a practical joke played early on the first day of the conference both the male and female restrooms were very messy. Someone had covered the male urinals and about half of the female toilets with clear plastic wrap. The resultant deflection of bodily fluids create a huge mess and tempers flared quite dangerously among some of the victims. The worst reaction was when a Ms Lara Croft had to do “number two” while the cleaning staff was in the process of removing the plastic wrap. She chose a toilet they had not yet been checked.
    • Apparently Miss Croft had consumed a lot of fresh fruit juice recently.
  • After most of the attendees had left staffers were quite startled to discover several young adults trapped in compromised positions in the restrooms and adjoining closets.
    • It is not believed they were engaged in amorous activities due to the manner in which they were discovered.
    • Miss Nancy Drew was found sandwiched between the Hardy brothers, all three had been stripped to their underwear, and bound together with a copious amount of “Saran Wrap” then duct taped to the plumbing pipes in the utility closet between the restrooms. Scrawled across their faces and foreheads in black Sharpie  were the words  "Frigid" and "Teaser" for Miss Drew and "Pissers” and “Poo Face”for the Hardy Boys.
    • The Wonder Twins were likewise duct taped together, but back to back and fully clothed in their case, and rather than being attached to the building in some manner, they were suspended in mid-air by a glowing yellow plasma orb in the handicapped stall of the men's room.
      • Staff got them down by shorting out the plasma orb with a metal broom handle. The twins did fall rather hard a distance of more than six feet to the tile floor. Jayna banged her head on the toilet bowl in the fall.
        • FYI: They have both threatened to sue for the injuries.

  • Mr Tim Drake (aka Robin) and Miss Susan Storm (aka Invisible Woman) were discovered snuggled closely and fully clothed in their “Super Hero” outfits, sleeping off a drunken stupor in the cased liquor storage room
    • it is assumed they both passed out before anything happened other than perhaps a very minor bout of fantastic fourplay (get it? 'fantastic fourplay' ha, ha...uh)
  • Large amounts of broken glass were found behind the bar, interspersed with water color paintings of bottles of Bailey's and numerous leaves of kelp.
    • According to witnesses, the bartender (a Mr Olde Gregg hired from a temp agency) had served over two dozen Long Island Iced Teas to a Mr. Sean Dillon and several bottles Baileys to a Mr. Allan Quatermain then intiated a 'water color contest' with them which turned violent when he said they painted beautifully and then asked both men to marry him.
For future “Good Guy” conferences please ensure that security and maintenance staff is present in the same quantity as we generally have for the “Arch Villains” and “Moody Rock Star” conferences, as the damage while in different forms was at a similar level.
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